This gentleman messaged me on the internet dating site. His profile picture revealed a bearded man standing in front of a fireplace, looking quite distinguished. He was a 52 year old financial planner.
We chatted for a week or so before he invited me to lunch. We arranged to meet at the Cachet Restaurant in Newmarket. He drove up from Vaughan. I arrived wearing a black mini skirt, black heels, a peach, fitted top with 3/4 length sleeves, matching jewelry and peach lipstick. He was well-dressed wearing a navy, short sleeve shirt with black dress pants. The gentleman was shorter than I expected and at first I did not recognize him because he was clean shaven.
He was seated at a table in the back corner.
As I approached him, he stood up, smiled and offered me his hand. We ordered drinks and began talking about ourselves. He told me that he had grown up in a family of four boys. He had shared a room with his older brother who was a bully. He himself, was very soft-spoken and sensitive.
The waitress arrived and I ordered a goat-cheese spinach salad with chicken breast; he ordered a turkey ciabatta with a side order of fries. He continued to tell me about his past. He said that he was the youngest and his brother began experimenting with him sexually. He felt victimized and didn't know how to cope because he was a child. I felt very bad about what he was disclosing; turning the subject to other instances of sexual abuse in the media, such as the Catholic priests and the Toronto Maple Leaf's hockey coach.
We discussed this very intense topic throughout lunch. He said that his marriage broke up because he couldn't handle his past experiences and he was now in therapy, which was helping somewhat. I asked if he was still in contact with his older brother and he indicated that he was but it was very awkward.
Our food arrived and it was delicious. We ordered coffees and continued to chat. I told him that I sympathized with what he had told me and that I hoped he would eventually feel better. He told me that he didn't have a special person in his life but spent his time working, seeing his kids and going to therapy. He wanted to overcome this but it was difficult.
Eventually he paid the bill, stood up and walked me to my car. I liked this gentleman but knew that he could never be sexually intimate. I never heard from him again and his profile disappeared from the internet dating site.
Life Lesson - some gentlemen on the internet dating site have emotional problems and their behaviour cannot be taken personally.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Disclosing past sexual abuse or other deep psychological trauma on a first date is very disturbing and not appropriate.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Another Lawyer
This
gentleman messaged me on the site on a Friday and invited me to meet him at a
local dance club, for singles over forty, the following evening. I arrived at
nine, wearing a little red dress, burgundy boots, pink lipstick and long,
curly, hi-lighted hair. As I entered the venue I checked in my tuxedo coat and
began walking about the place.
I bought water and climbed onto the dance floor. As one
gentleman put it, "Girl, you are rocking that little red dress." I
danced for about an hour, then stepped down and walked around.
Coming from the left side of the stage, a short, well-dressed
gentleman approached me, "Smile, you're very beautiful!" I thanked
him and asked if he was the gentleman I was supposed to meet there. He acknowledged that it was, and offered to
buy me a drink, which I accepted. We walked to the bar and he purchased a glass
of Merlot for me. I discussed my blog with him and sought some copyright
clarification. He told me that anything that I created, be it art or writing,
was my property and copyright protected.
He told me he practiced civil law. I asked him if he liked to
dance and he said he did. Then he took
my hand and put it up to his heart so I could feel it. His heart was literally
beating out of his chest. I had never felt a heart beat that vigorously before.
I asked him what that was all about but he didn't reply.
He reached into his pocket, pulled out a stack of business
cards and handed me one. Then he kissed
me on the lips. I said, "I don't even know you" and he replied,
"But it's nice, isn't it?" He began anxiously pacing the floor
stating that he had to find someone. I took my wine over to the dance floor and
waited for him. I finally spotted him on
the dance floor with another woman; they were kissing and stroking each other.
I finished my wine.
About a half hour later, I collected my coat and walked out
into the night. As I approached my vehicle, I took out the gentleman's business
card, ripped it into tiny pieces, and flung them into the darkness. Case closed!
Lesson learned
– some gentlemen on internet dating sites, feel it is their right to manoeuvre from
woman to woman without any regard for their feelings.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
#5 - Supervisor, Power Plant
This gentleman was 60 years old, of Irish descent and found me on the internet dating site. He messaged me repeatedly, told me that he was a supervisor in a plant, had varied computer experience in his field, was over six feet tall, and liked attractive women. He was separated with two adult daughters and a lovely granddaughter. His work was very important to him but he enjoyed going out, as did I.
We arranged to meet on a Thursday evening at the Cachet restaurant in Newmarket. It was a snowy winter evening and I decided to wear, black, tight-fitting jeans, an emerald green lace top with matching jewelry, and my black, above the knee boots.
As I left my neighbourhood,I received a text indicating that he was in the parking lot of the restaurant and would meet me outside. I imagined that he would probably want to change venues and scrambled to think of a coffee shop nearby. I indicated to him that I was on my way.
When I arrived, I texted him that I was there and saw a tall, slim gentleman standing by the front door; I approached him. I introduced myself, saying "you don't want to go in?" He responded "you're very pretty, let's go inside." I later confronted him with "if you didn't like the way I looked you wouldn't have gone inside ..." which he denied.
We sat down at a cozy little table in the corner and he asked me to order a drink and dinner. I ordered a spinach, goat-cheese salad and a six ounce Merlot. He ordered a turkey club with sweet potatoe fries and a wine as well. We chatted for hours about his marriage, my kids, his work, my art ...
He told me that the last woman he had met in Newmarket, had arrived drunk on an afternoon date. I was surprised. Then he said that his ex-wife was a severe alcoholic. Red flag alert!! He had nothing good to say about her even though they had been married over thirty years. I asked him if he was helping her and he indicated that there was nothing he could do; she didn't want to get better. She was dying from liver disease and a blood disorder. He would come home and find her passed out on the floor in a pool of blood. This graphic discription stayed with me for some time; I wondered what his role had been in her demise.
That evening, when I arrived home, he texted me to thank me for a lovely time and indicated that he looked forward to our next date. He texted me regularly each morning and suggested that we go to a movie, followed by drinks next Thursday. I agreed.
I hired a service to clean my home for 2 hours prior to my date arriving. I wore black jeans, a black moulin rouge top, I had purchased in Paris two years earlier, my trench coat, burgundy boots and red lipstick. He arrived well suited; this gentleman knew how to dress. I got into his expensive black car and he announced that he had turned the seat warmer on for me. Then we headed out to Silvercity.
We saw "Gangster Squad" with Ryan Gosling, Sean Penn, Emma Stone and Josh Brolin. It was a fabulous film. During the movie he held my hand and it was very nice. We went out for a glass of wine and chatted a bit more. I felt we were connecting; he seemed mature, older than me by a decade, wiser from his experiences. Oh yes, and he was very handsome with an amazing Irish accent.
I knew that he was leaving for Ireland for a two week vacation to see his parents. He disappeared off the dating site and I never heard from him until he messaged me when he returned. I suggested we go out the following Saturday. He agreed. We texted each other from Sunday to Tuesday and then we lost touch but I continued to see him on line. He must have been chatting with others.
Saturday morning, I texted him asking if we were on for that evening. There was quite a pause and then he said that he would have to cancel because of work. I messaged him back after yoga class and asked him how late he was working. He replied, "three o'clock." Then I suggested we meet afterward. He replied, "I won't know if I'm available until later on in the afternoon." I said I would wait for his text. I waited from noon until eight that evening, at which point I contacted my girlfriend and we went out. He did not return my text.
It was a long weekend and on Monday morning he texted me asking what my plans were for the day. I replied that I was going to the gym, doing laundry and going to my son's hockey game in the evening. He texted to say that it seemed like I had a full day. I don't know what he did that weekend but I sense he was not working.
Afterward I frequently saw him on the dating website but we did not message each other. A week later I messaged him suggesting that we might want to go to a Tuesday night movie and provided him with a few options. I waited for his response; he did not reply. Finally I messaged him telling him that I was surprised that a gentleman of his age and position would be on this site if he was already in a relationship. The next morning his photographs were deleted from the website and a few days later his profile was removed.
Lesson Learned - gentlemen on internet dating sites can behave very rudely even if they are well-educated, mature and hold positions of responsibility. They may already be in a relationship.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Why would you treat a lady that way? Oh yes, if you are going to behave inappropriately you did the right thing by removing yourself from the website however, you owe me an apology.
We arranged to meet on a Thursday evening at the Cachet restaurant in Newmarket. It was a snowy winter evening and I decided to wear, black, tight-fitting jeans, an emerald green lace top with matching jewelry, and my black, above the knee boots.
As I left my neighbourhood,I received a text indicating that he was in the parking lot of the restaurant and would meet me outside. I imagined that he would probably want to change venues and scrambled to think of a coffee shop nearby. I indicated to him that I was on my way.
When I arrived, I texted him that I was there and saw a tall, slim gentleman standing by the front door; I approached him. I introduced myself, saying "you don't want to go in?" He responded "you're very pretty, let's go inside." I later confronted him with "if you didn't like the way I looked you wouldn't have gone inside ..." which he denied.
We sat down at a cozy little table in the corner and he asked me to order a drink and dinner. I ordered a spinach, goat-cheese salad and a six ounce Merlot. He ordered a turkey club with sweet potatoe fries and a wine as well. We chatted for hours about his marriage, my kids, his work, my art ...
He told me that the last woman he had met in Newmarket, had arrived drunk on an afternoon date. I was surprised. Then he said that his ex-wife was a severe alcoholic. Red flag alert!! He had nothing good to say about her even though they had been married over thirty years. I asked him if he was helping her and he indicated that there was nothing he could do; she didn't want to get better. She was dying from liver disease and a blood disorder. He would come home and find her passed out on the floor in a pool of blood. This graphic discription stayed with me for some time; I wondered what his role had been in her demise.
That evening, when I arrived home, he texted me to thank me for a lovely time and indicated that he looked forward to our next date. He texted me regularly each morning and suggested that we go to a movie, followed by drinks next Thursday. I agreed.
I hired a service to clean my home for 2 hours prior to my date arriving. I wore black jeans, a black moulin rouge top, I had purchased in Paris two years earlier, my trench coat, burgundy boots and red lipstick. He arrived well suited; this gentleman knew how to dress. I got into his expensive black car and he announced that he had turned the seat warmer on for me. Then we headed out to Silvercity.
We saw "Gangster Squad" with Ryan Gosling, Sean Penn, Emma Stone and Josh Brolin. It was a fabulous film. During the movie he held my hand and it was very nice. We went out for a glass of wine and chatted a bit more. I felt we were connecting; he seemed mature, older than me by a decade, wiser from his experiences. Oh yes, and he was very handsome with an amazing Irish accent.
I knew that he was leaving for Ireland for a two week vacation to see his parents. He disappeared off the dating site and I never heard from him until he messaged me when he returned. I suggested we go out the following Saturday. He agreed. We texted each other from Sunday to Tuesday and then we lost touch but I continued to see him on line. He must have been chatting with others.
Saturday morning, I texted him asking if we were on for that evening. There was quite a pause and then he said that he would have to cancel because of work. I messaged him back after yoga class and asked him how late he was working. He replied, "three o'clock." Then I suggested we meet afterward. He replied, "I won't know if I'm available until later on in the afternoon." I said I would wait for his text. I waited from noon until eight that evening, at which point I contacted my girlfriend and we went out. He did not return my text.
It was a long weekend and on Monday morning he texted me asking what my plans were for the day. I replied that I was going to the gym, doing laundry and going to my son's hockey game in the evening. He texted to say that it seemed like I had a full day. I don't know what he did that weekend but I sense he was not working.
Afterward I frequently saw him on the dating website but we did not message each other. A week later I messaged him suggesting that we might want to go to a Tuesday night movie and provided him with a few options. I waited for his response; he did not reply. Finally I messaged him telling him that I was surprised that a gentleman of his age and position would be on this site if he was already in a relationship. The next morning his photographs were deleted from the website and a few days later his profile was removed.
Lesson Learned - gentlemen on internet dating sites can behave very rudely even if they are well-educated, mature and hold positions of responsibility. They may already be in a relationship.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Why would you treat a lady that way? Oh yes, if you are going to behave inappropriately you did the right thing by removing yourself from the website however, you owe me an apology.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Post-script: Finally the Light Goes On ...
The next morning he messaged me, in an attempt to change my mind. The conversation went something like this:
Gentleman: Of course I am talking to other women on this site, I have made numerous friends here :) I lost all of our earlier messages because the mail stack is so short :( Isn't it a little early to be talking to me in that manner: " If you are currently talking to other women on this site then do not message me again." I usually don't get that until the second date, lol. D.
Lady: Too bad for you. If you want to date me you have to get off of this site. Quite simple really.
Gentleman: So be it. That is a ridiculous attitude. Why would I want to be with someone with such a trust issue? D.
Lady: Why would I want to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, dating and messaging other women, probably addicted to this site, and over 50 without ever having committed to a woman. Why waste anybody's time? Have a great day!
Gentleman: Of course I am talking to other women on this site, I have made numerous friends here :) I lost all of our earlier messages because the mail stack is so short :( Isn't it a little early to be talking to me in that manner: " If you are currently talking to other women on this site then do not message me again." I usually don't get that until the second date, lol. D.
Lady: Too bad for you. If you want to date me you have to get off of this site. Quite simple really.
Gentleman: So be it. That is a ridiculous attitude. Why would I want to be with someone with such a trust issue? D.
Lady: Why would I want to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, dating and messaging other women, probably addicted to this site, and over 50 without ever having committed to a woman. Why waste anybody's time? Have a great day!
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Finally - The Light Goes On ...
This evening a gentleman from the internet dating site messaged me. He was 52 years old, 6'1" tall, Irish/Scotish and a computer scientist. The conversation went something like this:
Gentleman: Hey smarty pants! How are you?
Lady: Pretty good and actually I am smart, lol. I teach high school Math. So how is a good-looking, smart guy like you, single? That doesn't add up!
Gentleman: Well, I moved here from Calgary to get married but, it didn't work out. Maybe I am not so smart , lol. I could very well ask the same of you smarty-pants :) What is your name? D.
Lady: My marriage broke up about 16 years ago. I've been a single Mom ever since. My name is J. Were you born in Calgary? What is your ethnicity?
Gentleman: Hi J. :) I never married - what a shame. I'm from here but I served in the Armed forces in Calgary. I'm a Canadian except way back I am Irish and Scottish, which means I have a drinking problem but I am too cheap to buy a round ;) What is your ethnic background? D.
Lady: Well, D., you're right about the drinking problem and the cheapness. I was married to a guy who is half Scottish and half Irish, lol. I am Italian, born and raised in Northern Ontario and my dad's family was of Spanish descent. I visited Barcelona last summer to see the art. Where do you work Einstein??
Gentleman: Lol, ask a loaded question and .... I thought latin-born too :) You also speak French. I work for a retail chain in Toronto. Want some free cosmetics smarty-pants?
Lady: Would love some...anything that makes me look even younger, lol. Yes, I speak French, love visiting Quebec and France. Do you speak French?
Gentleman: Great, lets run away to Montreal tomorrow. Seriously, I am going tomorrow :) Yes, I speak French.
Lady: I love Montreal. If I had sick days left (the government took them all away) I'd run off with you. But seriously, you're not too far off. :)
Gentleman: I'm staying in the prettiest little hotel in Montreal, overlooking the St Lawrence. I love your pics. All of them are sexy! I could come up the 404 to visit you :)
Lady: I like the idea of you coming up the 404 to see me. I've stayed at the cutest B and B in Quebec city, overlooking the St. Lawrence, really love old Quebec.
Gentleman: We should plan to meet. You probably have a fixed schedule but, I work shifts. I love Quebec and lived there for six years - various places. I speak it as much as I can. A third of my calls at work are French.
Lady: tres bien, j'aimerais te rencontrer...
Gentleman: J`aimerais ca aussi. J`aimerais bien ca.
Lady: K. When do you get back from Montreal?
Gentleman: I'm coming back Sat night. We can stay in touch with text: *** *** **** Or, we can keep emailing :)
Lady: K. What is your last name? LONG PAUSE
Gentleman: It's "M." What is your last name? D.
Lady: Mine is C.. What did you do in the army? VERY LONG PAUSE
Gentleman: Long story... What a career! I could talk for hours :) That's how I learned French and got a pilots license too. What is your master degree in? D.
Lady: It's in Education with an emphasis on gender-based learning. I graduated from U. of T. in 2010. Do you still fly? VERY LONG PAUSE - IN FACT IT FELT LIKE NO RESPONSE SO I CHECKED THE SIGHT AND SAW HIM ONLINE. THEN I CLICKED ON CHAT, TO INSTANT MESSAGE HIM, BUT HE DID NOT RESPOND. FINALLY I TEXTED HIM, SAYING "HI". AGAIN NO RESPONSE. AFTER 20 MINUTES:
Gentleman: Wow, you are amazing! You must be quite the person to talk to :) I'm going to get some rest for my sore back. I was doing some squats today, D.
Lady: Hi D. I forgot to mention that I don't serial date and I expect any gentleman that intends to meet me or have a date with me to do the same. If you are currently talking to other women on this site then do not message me again. Have a good evening. I'm off to the gym.:)
Then at the gym it finally occured to me that this is how to deal with this internet dating site. In the last year I have met 30 men and out of these only 4 did not show deplorable behaviour (that means 26/30 or 87% of the gentlemen were emotionally immature, rude, narcissistic,lied in their profile and had no intention of seeking a committed relationship.) So, contrary to the relationship gurus who advise a lady to have no expectations for the first few dates, I decided to have expectations immediately before they even meet me. This weeds out the "unfit" ones and saves a lady time, emotional energy and stress. Not only that but it leaves the gentlemen, I am sure, dumbfounded and probably has them thinking about their future behaviour. This would become my new rule of thumb.
Gentleman: Hey smarty pants! How are you?
Lady: Pretty good and actually I am smart, lol. I teach high school Math. So how is a good-looking, smart guy like you, single? That doesn't add up!
Gentleman: Well, I moved here from Calgary to get married but, it didn't work out. Maybe I am not so smart , lol. I could very well ask the same of you smarty-pants :) What is your name? D.
Lady: My marriage broke up about 16 years ago. I've been a single Mom ever since. My name is J. Were you born in Calgary? What is your ethnicity?
Gentleman: Hi J. :) I never married - what a shame. I'm from here but I served in the Armed forces in Calgary. I'm a Canadian except way back I am Irish and Scottish, which means I have a drinking problem but I am too cheap to buy a round ;) What is your ethnic background? D.
Lady: Well, D., you're right about the drinking problem and the cheapness. I was married to a guy who is half Scottish and half Irish, lol. I am Italian, born and raised in Northern Ontario and my dad's family was of Spanish descent. I visited Barcelona last summer to see the art. Where do you work Einstein??
Gentleman: Lol, ask a loaded question and .... I thought latin-born too :) You also speak French. I work for a retail chain in Toronto. Want some free cosmetics smarty-pants?
Lady: Would love some...anything that makes me look even younger, lol. Yes, I speak French, love visiting Quebec and France. Do you speak French?
Gentleman: Great, lets run away to Montreal tomorrow. Seriously, I am going tomorrow :) Yes, I speak French.
Lady: I love Montreal. If I had sick days left (the government took them all away) I'd run off with you. But seriously, you're not too far off. :)
Gentleman: I'm staying in the prettiest little hotel in Montreal, overlooking the St Lawrence. I love your pics. All of them are sexy! I could come up the 404 to visit you :)
Lady: I like the idea of you coming up the 404 to see me. I've stayed at the cutest B and B in Quebec city, overlooking the St. Lawrence, really love old Quebec.
Gentleman: We should plan to meet. You probably have a fixed schedule but, I work shifts. I love Quebec and lived there for six years - various places. I speak it as much as I can. A third of my calls at work are French.
Lady: tres bien, j'aimerais te rencontrer...
Gentleman: J`aimerais ca aussi. J`aimerais bien ca.
Lady: K. When do you get back from Montreal?
Gentleman: I'm coming back Sat night. We can stay in touch with text: *** *** **** Or, we can keep emailing :)
Lady: K. What is your last name? LONG PAUSE
Gentleman: It's "M." What is your last name? D.
Lady: Mine is C.. What did you do in the army? VERY LONG PAUSE
Gentleman: Long story... What a career! I could talk for hours :) That's how I learned French and got a pilots license too. What is your master degree in? D.
Lady: It's in Education with an emphasis on gender-based learning. I graduated from U. of T. in 2010. Do you still fly? VERY LONG PAUSE - IN FACT IT FELT LIKE NO RESPONSE SO I CHECKED THE SIGHT AND SAW HIM ONLINE. THEN I CLICKED ON CHAT, TO INSTANT MESSAGE HIM, BUT HE DID NOT RESPOND. FINALLY I TEXTED HIM, SAYING "HI". AGAIN NO RESPONSE. AFTER 20 MINUTES:
Gentleman: Wow, you are amazing! You must be quite the person to talk to :) I'm going to get some rest for my sore back. I was doing some squats today, D.
Lady: Hi D. I forgot to mention that I don't serial date and I expect any gentleman that intends to meet me or have a date with me to do the same. If you are currently talking to other women on this site then do not message me again. Have a good evening. I'm off to the gym.:)
Then at the gym it finally occured to me that this is how to deal with this internet dating site. In the last year I have met 30 men and out of these only 4 did not show deplorable behaviour (that means 26/30 or 87% of the gentlemen were emotionally immature, rude, narcissistic,lied in their profile and had no intention of seeking a committed relationship.) So, contrary to the relationship gurus who advise a lady to have no expectations for the first few dates, I decided to have expectations immediately before they even meet me. This weeds out the "unfit" ones and saves a lady time, emotional energy and stress. Not only that but it leaves the gentlemen, I am sure, dumbfounded and probably has them thinking about their future behaviour. This would become my new rule of thumb.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Reflection - They Keep Coming Back
At least a dozen of these gentlemen are still messaging me, trying to get me back. In most cases, they're the ones that forced my hand, to end it, because of their inappropriate behaviour. Ironic as it may seem, they feel entitled to get me back, after "the 33 or 38 year old didn't pan out" or "the swingers club wasn't as fulfilling as they had anticipated" or "the prostitute" or "the emotionally detached hook-ups ran their course". Why me?
The gentlemen I have written about showed poor judgement, emotional immaturity, sex addiction, lack of control, impulsiveness and regret. These men were between the ages of 45 and 62, had good positions and were financially stable. They were confused and unhappy because if they weren't they wouldn't be trying to contact me months later.
On Saturday morning, a few minutes before I left for Yoga, my cell phone rang and there was the Government Employee, calling me after more than a month with his number hidden. I didn't recognize him at first but he told me who he was and I was stuck talking to him. He rambled on about his ancestry being half Irish, half Scottish and how he hadn't been dancing for a long time. Then he indicated that he had no plans that evening and would be "home alone". I quickly told him that I would be attending a St. Patrick's Day event with friends. Then I let him know that I was rushing out to Yoga class and had to go. He muttered on something about calling me again. The last time I saw him, two months ago, he showed up at a dance that we were supposed to attend with a 33 year old Iranian lady.
Yesterday, I received a text message from the lawyer from London: "You are more beautiful by the day...I cannot resist your exuding graceful charm and beauty which though we be apart at this moment transcend the grip of time and space ..."
Last week the Accountant who admitted to sleeping with the prostitute on his birthday messaged me on the internet dating site after seven months. I did not reply.
Many relationship gurus preach the philosophy that women have to change their attitude toward men in an attempt to keep them interested and monogomous. This involves saying and doing the right thing to "keep their man". I disagree with this approach. There is no excuse for bad behaviour.
They also emphasize that a lady should be positive, assume that the man is serious, interested, dating only them, want a relationship and have no expectations for the first several dates. That is how I was. In each case, the gentleman did something which totally derailed the friendship. As I said, no decent woman, with positive self-esteem would tolerate such behaviour. Several of the gentlemen I encountered on this quest, I would deem narcissistic and emotionally unstable. They violated a code of conduct and showed no regard for my feelings.
The gentlemen I have written about showed poor judgement, emotional immaturity, sex addiction, lack of control, impulsiveness and regret. These men were between the ages of 45 and 62, had good positions and were financially stable. They were confused and unhappy because if they weren't they wouldn't be trying to contact me months later.
On Saturday morning, a few minutes before I left for Yoga, my cell phone rang and there was the Government Employee, calling me after more than a month with his number hidden. I didn't recognize him at first but he told me who he was and I was stuck talking to him. He rambled on about his ancestry being half Irish, half Scottish and how he hadn't been dancing for a long time. Then he indicated that he had no plans that evening and would be "home alone". I quickly told him that I would be attending a St. Patrick's Day event with friends. Then I let him know that I was rushing out to Yoga class and had to go. He muttered on something about calling me again. The last time I saw him, two months ago, he showed up at a dance that we were supposed to attend with a 33 year old Iranian lady.
Yesterday, I received a text message from the lawyer from London: "You are more beautiful by the day...I cannot resist your exuding graceful charm and beauty which though we be apart at this moment transcend the grip of time and space ..."
Last week the Accountant who admitted to sleeping with the prostitute on his birthday messaged me on the internet dating site after seven months. I did not reply.
Many relationship gurus preach the philosophy that women have to change their attitude toward men in an attempt to keep them interested and monogomous. This involves saying and doing the right thing to "keep their man". I disagree with this approach. There is no excuse for bad behaviour.
They also emphasize that a lady should be positive, assume that the man is serious, interested, dating only them, want a relationship and have no expectations for the first several dates. That is how I was. In each case, the gentleman did something which totally derailed the friendship. As I said, no decent woman, with positive self-esteem would tolerate such behaviour. Several of the gentlemen I encountered on this quest, I would deem narcissistic and emotionally unstable. They violated a code of conduct and showed no regard for my feelings.
#30 - Enterpreneur - "Let's Get off this Site Together"
I was attracted to this gentleman because of his subtitle, "Let's get off this Site Together!" His profile stated that he was ready
to settle down and was looking for a passionate, fit, positive lady. I messaged him and he responded.
During our chats, I learned
that he had a business degree from York and owned his own company. He called himself an entrepreneur, was very
vague about the specifics of his work, and kept his private life under wraps.
Red flag alert!! He invited me out for dinner and finally disclosed his cell
number. We were to meet for drinks at a restaurant in Aurora on a Tuesday
evening at 9 pm.
I arrived wearing a
black fitted dress, black boots, drop earrings with matching rhinestone
bracelets and an eager smile. I waited over half an hour when the owner
approached me stating that the kitchen was closing shortly. He suggested
another restaurant nearby. I texted him and advised him about the situation. He
indicated that he was on his way. I drove to the next venue, sat down and
ordered a glass of red wine.
He walked in shortly before ten,
wearing casual pants and a blue shirt. He said that he was late because of work.
We ordered appetizers and conversed for a little over an hour. He told me that
he was Jewish and I asked him directly, if he would take a non-Jewish woman
seriously. He assured me that it would not be an issue.
We continued to text over the next
week and arranged to go to the cinema the following Tuesday. At seven on the date scheduled, he called to
indicate that his furnace had broken and he would be delayed waiting for the
repairman. We planned to meet at the theatre to see "Silver Linings
Playbook" at 9:50. I arrived a little early and waited for fifteen minutes
before he finally dashed in. He ran up to the kiosk, bought the tickets and we hurried
in; the film had already started.
The movie was very enjoyable.
I didn't learn any more about him since our initial visit and began to wonder
about his "busy" schedule. On the way out, he helped clean the snow
off my car.
He called me mid-week to invite me
out Saturday evening but said that he would have to cancel his Poker game in
order to attend. Two days later, he texted me saying that he had good
news; he could make the date. We were to meet at a club in Aurora to go dancing.
I arrived at the restaurant on time, sat
down, and ordered a glass of red wine. I waited for him. The owner approached
me to say that the kitchen was closing at 10; I let him know that my date would
be here soon. He finally arrived! We ordered dinner and chatted, then walked
across the hallway toward the dance floor. We danced for hours. He regularly
excused himself to the washroom and always returned with his cell phone in
hand. At 1:30, I suggested that we leave; he walked me to my car and kissed me
good-night.
The following weekend I attended a
conference and invited him to come to the banquet Sunday evening. He agreed,
but I let him know that the reception, with a full jazz band performing, began
at 6 pm sharp and I expected him to arrive on time. On the day of the event he
texted me to say that he would not make the reception because of work but would
arrive in time for dinner.
I attended the reception alone,
wearing a black dress, black heels, my hair in an updo and rhinestone jewelry.
I got myself a cranberry spritzer and watched couples dancing to the Jazz
tunes. At seven, we were told to enter the ballroom and find our seats. I sat
down, saving him a place and just as the first course was being served, he arrived.
He wore a red shirt, blue tie and black casual pants. He indicated that he
could not stay late because he had to work the next day.
Another band began playing and
couples got up to dance. We danced for an hour and then he said he would
like to walk around to check out the karaoke. While we stood listening to various
people up at the mike, he told me that a friend of his had dated over a
thousand women. I asked him how many he had dated and he said not that many. He
continued to discuss various celebrities, assigning each one a number
(according to looks). At 11:30, he said he had to get going and I walked him to
the hotel parking entrance.
The next day I saw him on
the internet dating site and sent a message: "I
joined this site a year ago and told you I met 30 guys. I have learned a lot.
Mostly I know that you cannot meet a guy here for a meaningful relationship.
There are too many choices and it becomes a revolving door of chatting,
meeting, moving on. The grass is always greener scenario never ends and the
love tank is always empty;
with people holding off for that next, more elusive person ... I'm ready to get
off. Are you? Let me know."
After fifteen hours, I received a
response. I had all but given up hearing from him. "Hi thanks for inviting me last night, I had a great time,
the food, the drink and especially the company was all good. Your message
caught me a bit off guard this morning. I totally enjoy getting together with you.
I'm not ready to take it to that level at this point. But like I said I totally
enjoy your company and I like
our new friendship."
Over the next nine days, we texted less
frequently. He continued to visit the internet dating site daily. We decided to
go see another movie at the same location, on a Tuesday evening. I told him I would meet him there at 9:15.
On the scheduled day, I arrived,
wearing black jeans, black boots, and a fuchsia hoodie. I waited in the lobby for half an hour before
he arrived. He rushed in holding his cell phone, saying that he had texted me
that he was on his way. He complimented my hair. I told him that I had left my
cell at home and that he was always late, which he denied. We barely made the
opening of "The Call".
Before the movie started, I told him that
I had tried messaging him on the internet site but he had not responded. He
made some feeble excuses. I told him I saw him on the site daily and asked if
he was dating a lot. He down-played it but said there was one girl in
particular that he was in contact with regularly. I asked him about her and he
explained that she was 38, blonde, blue-eyed, Jewish and lived in his area. I
told him that I was right about the Jewish thing I had discussed with him on
our first date, which he denied. Finally I told him that I would no longer be
texting him. He said that he didn't want to give me up and would text me more often.
I remained silent. After the movie, we said our good-byes and drove
off. That was the last time I saw him.
Life lesson - gentlemen on
internet dating sites are often involved in relationships; just using the site
to further advance their egos or seek hook-ups. Their "work" is often
a justifiable excuse when they are double-booked. Gentlemen on internet dating sites
often have no intention of leaving the site for an exclusive relationship, even
if their title says so.
Life lesson for the gentleman - you claim you don't
want to lose me yet put forth no effort in establishing an emotional
connection. Relationships are fifty:fifty.
Monday, 18 March 2013
#29 - The Musician
After a brief conversation about earning a Master's Degree at U of T, the gentleman and I exchanged cell numbers. At the onset he appeared personable, intelligent, caring and artistic. He played and taught guitar in Toronto. I had my reservations about getting to know him because of my previous experience with the "guitar guy". I knew trust might be an issue for me.
We began meeting at a gym for yoga or weight-training, which was productive and fun. I decided to invite him to a play, "Jasper Station" in Cookstown, about 20 minutes from my home. On a Sunday afternoon, he appeared at my door and we set off in his red Dodge. It was a beautiful day and we laughed through the entire comedy, really enjoying the event.
A few weeks later I invited him to a juried show in Aurora, which included 2 of my paintings. We perused three floors of amazing art, sipped wine and met some of my friends. Our friendship grew and before we knew it we had been on over a dozen dates.
I began to notice that he worked all of the time and had a lot of female friends at the gym that he conversed with. One time I invited him to a pool party. He came quite late and left abruptly as soon as my friends dispersed. On another occasion I invited him to my neighbour's party. He stayed twenty minutes, didn't eat or drink a thing, but instead, went to buy his sick father a loaf of bread, indicating that he would return. Eventually I left, along with the others. He showed up at my friends' place when the party was over; then stopped by my home, stating that he had been helping his father. I wondered why he had double-booked himself!
On the day of my birthday I never heard from him until late in the evening when he casually messaged me. I reminded him, again, that today was my birthday. At this point he panicked, texting more messages, wishing me well. The next morning I received a "Happy Birthday" message on my answering machine. How nice it would have been to receive that phone call on my birthday! It was apparent that I was not a priority in his life.
The sinker came when he invited me to a classical guitar concert; he asked if we could go "dutch" which I accepted. On the date of the event he picked me up in his red Dodge. I wore a black, silver studded mini with matching platform heels, bulky black and silver jewelry and a casual three quarter sleeve sweater. He wore a golf shirt, designer jeans and running shoes.
The concert was not very good but we were enjoying each other's company so it didn't matter. At intermission, we ran into a couple he knew. He spent a lot of time talking to the attractive, married woman and completely forgot I was there. Eventually, I walked away, saying: "I am going to the back!" He finally joined me. Awkwardly, we returned to our seats.
At the end of the event, we attended a reception given by the performers. He greeted the beautiful guitarist with enthusiasm, asking me to take innumerable photographs of him and her. He handed her his business card and could not be pulled away. After everyone, except for the staff, had left, I suggested we proceed as well. We stepped outside, in the rain. Halfway back to his car, he hesitated declaring: "I want to go back!" I told him that I didn't have my own car and would have to wait with him. We walked back inside and he continued to talk to the performer. I felt out of sorts for a lot of obvious reasons but waited until he was ready to leave. Clearly the rest of the evening ended abruptly once I was driven home.
My feelings were hurt and when I saw him at the gym, he avoided me. This added to my pain so I telephoned him, only to receive a blunt, uncaring and angry response. He said I was controlling, insecure and paranoid about him with other women. I told him that I would not be contacting him again; if he wanted to talk to me, it would have to be up to him. I also said that I needed an apology to move forward. He said there was nothing to apologize for. I had been seeing this gentleman for five months...
Lesson Learned: Even if you think you know a gentleman and have been dating for several months, there are no guarantees.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman: It is very rude to ignore your date while flirting with other women. It sends a message that she is not exclusive and that you probably don't care about her.
I began to notice that he worked all of the time and had a lot of female friends at the gym that he conversed with. One time I invited him to a pool party. He came quite late and left abruptly as soon as my friends dispersed. On another occasion I invited him to my neighbour's party. He stayed twenty minutes, didn't eat or drink a thing, but instead, went to buy his sick father a loaf of bread, indicating that he would return. Eventually I left, along with the others. He showed up at my friends' place when the party was over; then stopped by my home, stating that he had been helping his father. I wondered why he had double-booked himself!
On the day of my birthday I never heard from him until late in the evening when he casually messaged me. I reminded him, again, that today was my birthday. At this point he panicked, texting more messages, wishing me well. The next morning I received a "Happy Birthday" message on my answering machine. How nice it would have been to receive that phone call on my birthday! It was apparent that I was not a priority in his life.
The sinker came when he invited me to a classical guitar concert; he asked if we could go "dutch" which I accepted. On the date of the event he picked me up in his red Dodge. I wore a black, silver studded mini with matching platform heels, bulky black and silver jewelry and a casual three quarter sleeve sweater. He wore a golf shirt, designer jeans and running shoes.
The concert was not very good but we were enjoying each other's company so it didn't matter. At intermission, we ran into a couple he knew. He spent a lot of time talking to the attractive, married woman and completely forgot I was there. Eventually, I walked away, saying: "I am going to the back!" He finally joined me. Awkwardly, we returned to our seats.
At the end of the event, we attended a reception given by the performers. He greeted the beautiful guitarist with enthusiasm, asking me to take innumerable photographs of him and her. He handed her his business card and could not be pulled away. After everyone, except for the staff, had left, I suggested we proceed as well. We stepped outside, in the rain. Halfway back to his car, he hesitated declaring: "I want to go back!" I told him that I didn't have my own car and would have to wait with him. We walked back inside and he continued to talk to the performer. I felt out of sorts for a lot of obvious reasons but waited until he was ready to leave. Clearly the rest of the evening ended abruptly once I was driven home.
My feelings were hurt and when I saw him at the gym, he avoided me. This added to my pain so I telephoned him, only to receive a blunt, uncaring and angry response. He said I was controlling, insecure and paranoid about him with other women. I told him that I would not be contacting him again; if he wanted to talk to me, it would have to be up to him. I also said that I needed an apology to move forward. He said there was nothing to apologize for. I had been seeing this gentleman for five months...
Lesson Learned: Even if you think you know a gentleman and have been dating for several months, there are no guarantees.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman: It is very rude to ignore your date while flirting with other women. It sends a message that she is not exclusive and that you probably don't care about her.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
#6 - The Lawyer
I met this gentleman on the internet dating site last Spring. He was tall, handsome, well spoken and a fabulous writer. He practiced law in London and had a lovely picture of himself with his little dog on his profile. We exchanged cell numbers and what ensued was nothing short of amazing.
He sent me innumerable sonnets, taking me back hundreds of years and making me feel adored. It was like I had met Shakespeare in the 21st century.
We texted for over a month before we arranged to meet at an outdoor cafe in Toronto. On a beautiful June evening, I set off wearing a black, silver studded mini dress, black nylons and heels, with Swarovski crystal jewelry. As I entered the cafe, another gentleman approached me and offered to buy me a drink. He was also waiting for his date. I declined.
The gentleman arriving from London texted me several times and asked me to order wine while I waited. He arrived after an hour, having been delayed in traffic, wearing a casual blue striped shirt, designer jeans and a baseball cap. His adorable pet accompanied him.
We sat on the patio, ordered food and drinks and conversed for several hours. I intermittently held and stroked the puppy. At 11:30, I asked him where he was staying and he declared that he was going to another party after this, in Ajax. It was at the home of colleagues and it was a swingers event. He caught me off guard. I asked, "you're kidding?" to which he replied, "no." He began to describe the party, saying that people arrived in couples and socialized on the large property with pools, a hot tub, patios, ... As the night progressed, they undressed. If they saw someone they liked, they would go off in couples into the house and have sex. Eventually they would leave with whomever they had attended.
I told him that it was disgusting and who would go for such a thing! I insisted that I had joined the site to find one guy and only one guy. I told him that I didn't care if I had to meet 50 guys, I would wait until I found a guy who wanted just me. Call it naive; he heard me. He said that if he took me, we could just hang out together and not swing. I said, "you haven't even had me yet and you would take me to a swinger's party!"
The point is we were comfortable being honest with each other and the evening ended pleasantly. He walked me to my car, kissed me and waved good-bye. I drove home, undressed, washed off my make-up and went to bed. The next day, around noon, I received a text from him, apologizing for not spending the rest of the evening with me and admitting that he shouldn't have gone. He said that he was headed back to London but looked forward to seeing me again.
We continued to text infrequently and he still wooed me with his wordplay. From time to time he asked me to send him pictures of myself, which I did and he would reply in adoration, like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Perhaps the distance and our lifestyles were too far apart because we never met again. Sometimes he still contacts me...
Life Lesson - Gentlemen on internet dating sites may have completely different lifestyles than you and don't anticipate changing anyone. Distance can have a huge impact on whether or not a relationship can even get off the ground.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Booking a date with someone new before attending a swinger's party? Considering taking someone you just met to a swinger's party? OMG!
We texted for over a month before we arranged to meet at an outdoor cafe in Toronto. On a beautiful June evening, I set off wearing a black, silver studded mini dress, black nylons and heels, with Swarovski crystal jewelry. As I entered the cafe, another gentleman approached me and offered to buy me a drink. He was also waiting for his date. I declined.
The gentleman arriving from London texted me several times and asked me to order wine while I waited. He arrived after an hour, having been delayed in traffic, wearing a casual blue striped shirt, designer jeans and a baseball cap. His adorable pet accompanied him.
We sat on the patio, ordered food and drinks and conversed for several hours. I intermittently held and stroked the puppy. At 11:30, I asked him where he was staying and he declared that he was going to another party after this, in Ajax. It was at the home of colleagues and it was a swingers event. He caught me off guard. I asked, "you're kidding?" to which he replied, "no." He began to describe the party, saying that people arrived in couples and socialized on the large property with pools, a hot tub, patios, ... As the night progressed, they undressed. If they saw someone they liked, they would go off in couples into the house and have sex. Eventually they would leave with whomever they had attended.
I told him that it was disgusting and who would go for such a thing! I insisted that I had joined the site to find one guy and only one guy. I told him that I didn't care if I had to meet 50 guys, I would wait until I found a guy who wanted just me. Call it naive; he heard me. He said that if he took me, we could just hang out together and not swing. I said, "you haven't even had me yet and you would take me to a swinger's party!"
The point is we were comfortable being honest with each other and the evening ended pleasantly. He walked me to my car, kissed me and waved good-bye. I drove home, undressed, washed off my make-up and went to bed. The next day, around noon, I received a text from him, apologizing for not spending the rest of the evening with me and admitting that he shouldn't have gone. He said that he was headed back to London but looked forward to seeing me again.
We continued to text infrequently and he still wooed me with his wordplay. From time to time he asked me to send him pictures of myself, which I did and he would reply in adoration, like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Perhaps the distance and our lifestyles were too far apart because we never met again. Sometimes he still contacts me...
Life Lesson - Gentlemen on internet dating sites may have completely different lifestyles than you and don't anticipate changing anyone. Distance can have a huge impact on whether or not a relationship can even get off the ground.
Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Booking a date with someone new before attending a swinger's party? Considering taking someone you just met to a swinger's party? OMG!
Monday, 11 March 2013
Reflection
You cannot meet a guy on this site for a meaningful relationship. There are too many choices and it becomes a self abusive cycle of chatting, meeting, moving on. The grass is always greener scenario never ends and the love tank is always empty; with men holding off for that next, maybe better person ... People are wasting their time, energy, money and hopes on this "hopeless" site.
Sunday, 10 March 2013
#7 - The Businessman
This 55 year old gentleman contacted me on the internet dating site, looking for a relationship. His pictures revealed a tall, attractive, Irish man with a good disposition. Almost immediately, he gave me his phone number and I called him.
Our first telephone conversation revealed that he was confident, successful and had two adult children attending university, one in Engineering, the other in Medicine. He told me that he had lived in Aurora for decades with his family (his wife was a beautiful blonde, whom he had totally taken care of). He had travelled extensively and had worked globally to revamp companies that needed a new image. He was good at what he did and had made a lot of money. We decided to meet on Friday evening for a drink at the Cachet Restaurant in Newmarket.
We spoke the Thursday before our date and he presented a totally different view. He said that he had provided his wife with everything. She had a beautiful home, a housekeeper and weekend trips to Paris. Two years ago, while working in Europe he discovered that she was having an affair. He left his job, hastily returning home in an attempt to save his marriage. Almost immediately his health failed; he was diagnosed with a malignant tumor on his thyroid. The gentleman underwent radiation and chemotherapy which led to a stroke and eventual hospitalization. He spent months relearning how to speak, walk and take care of himself.
The day he returned home, after a lengthy rehabilitation period, his wife left him. They divided their assets (he put his share into a trust fund for his children) and he moved into a friends home, housesitting, while they were away in Southeast Asia. He admitted that he was seeking a woman to move in with. He had shared a very sad story, none of which had been written in his profile. I wanted to cancel our meeting but felt obligated to see it through.
At 7 pm on Friday evening I arrived at the restaurant wearing black jeans, a navy Joseph Ribkoff top, black boots, red lipstick and Carolee matching jewelry. I found him sitting at the bar, barely recognizeable. He appeared frail; his skin tone was visibly discoloured and he looked over a decade older than his photos. His demeanor was very negative. He ordered me a decaf coffee, but was very irrate about life in general, calling it a night before I finished my drink. Lesson Learned - Men on internet dating sites often misrepresent themselves with their photos, employment and health status. Life Lesson for the Gentleman - What about writing some truth in your profile? It is unreasonable to seek a lady to move in with in the final stages of your life when you gave everything you had to offer to your ex-wife!
Friday, 1 March 2013
#8 - The Psychology Professor
This very well educated gentleman first messaged me in June on the last day of school. He asked me to meet him at 7 pm at Coffee Culture in Bradford. I agreed.
At 8 pm I arrived wearing a black mini skirt, black tank top, dark panty hose, black heels and red lipstick. The gentleman looked exactly like his profile photo. He was very attractive, fit and youthful looking. He bought me a latte and we began what amounted to a 4.5 hour conversation. He was brilliant! We discussed dating, psychology and attraction between the sexes. He told me that he had authored 4 books and was currently working on his fifth. He indicated that he understood human behaviour and let me know that "chemistry" was an innate quality; a man could not help who he was driven towards. I disagreed, trying to debate him but clearly I was no match for his genius; he quoted studies and authors and presented an amazing argument. I reminded myself to buy one of his books (perhaps his fifth). It was a fun evening; I learned so much and felt like I had attended a university lecture. Close to midnight, he walked me to my car, hugging me as we said good night. I would have dated this man but he did not pursue it.
Three months later, we messaged each other again on the internet dating site. I suggested that we meet again for a coffee. He agreed but later cancelled because something came up for him. A week later we met at the same coffee shop. This time I wore, black track pants, a fuschia tank top with matching hoodie, runners and pink lipstick. I arrived 10 minutes late and watched his eyes scan me as I approached his seat. I knew what he was thinking "this is a different lady than the one I met in June." There went his chemistry theory out the window!
He said that I looked different, more confident and thinner. I told him that I had been working out every day since July 1st. We talked a lot about fitness and the internet dating site. After an hour, we stood up, he walked me to my car and we parted ways. The next morning he messaged me. We continued to communicate by email. He asked me on another date, but I had to decline. He asked for a raincheck. Eventually we agreed to meet for a movie and drinks. A few days before our date, he got "cold feet", messaging me: "We should probably cancel our date because it sounds like you're looking for a relationship and I'm not. I'm not that into you and if I were looking for a relationship it would be with someone I was more into ..." I found it quite insulting but responded that we should still do it, just for fun. What this gentleman had in intelligence, he lacked in social skills. A day before the date he messaged me with a single digit, "7". I responded "yes, I'll meet you there."
On a Friday night in October, we met in the foyer of Silvercity Newmarket. He arrived wearing a black leather jacket, khaki pants; looking as handsome as ever. I wore black leggings, a black mini dress with violet trim, a short black jacket, black heels and fuschia lipstick. My dark hair hung attractively over my shoulders. He was very polite, buying the tickets and later taking me out for a glass of red wine but the entire evening I felt awkward because of what he had said. We discussed his fifth book, his disciplined lifestyle, his fitness regime and his beloved cats. Before we left the restaurant, he invited me to go to his place, which I declined; afterall, he wasn't that into me ... We said our good byes.
Lesson #8 - Some men on internet dating sites, though very intelligent lack the social skills required to court a lady. Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Don't ever tell a lady that you are not that into her! It will ruin any chance you may have to get to know her, not to mention, I believe that "chemistry" grows with familiarity and is not a one time only innate quality. I know we disagree on this point.
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