#21 - Another Accountant - The Widower

A little over a month ago I was contacted by this gentleman and invited to a coffee date at 8:30 am at Second Cup on a Saturday morning. I awoke at 8:00, washed my face, put on some make-up, slipped into my black track pants and tight fitting pink track jacket, combed my hair and headed out. Luckily the location was 2 minutes away. Why 8:00 a.m.? When I arrived, he was sitting by the window, jumped up and invited me to purchase whatever I wanted. A cup of coffee sufficed since it was too early for me to consider food. He looked awlful with noticeable bags under his eyes and proceeded to say that he had drank a bottle of wine the night before. We discussed our exercise routines since we both belonged to the same fitness chain. He emphasized that he had lost 75 pounds with the assistance of a personal trainer and a medically-approved diet. Then he began to cathart about the death of his wife. What unfolded was a horrible tale of an argument between the two of them on the day of her death and his subsequent discovery of her corpse in their livingroom. His cell phone went off and he spoke for five minutes with an acquaintance about his afternoon plans. A few minutes later his phone went off again but this time he glanced at it stating that he could not take that call. He appeared anxious and ended the coffee date quickly announcing that he had to get back. After 4 weeks he messaged me and invited me to a dance. I responded after several days stating that I was busy but would consider an alternate date. He invited me to a movie and out for drinks. He called, asking me to select the film; whatever I wanted, he declared. We chose to see Stephen Spielberg's "Lincoln" with Daniel Day Lewis and Sally Field. I dressed beautifully, wearing a peach dress, pandora necklace, peach lipstick and heels. I was 10 years his junior but looked more like 20 years younger than him. He was very proper and attentive: picking me up at my home, helping me on with my coat, opening the car door for me, buying me tea before the movie and ensuring that my every need was being met. Afterwards we headed for "The Keg" for appetizers and drinks. Once again he bought me wine and escargots while we conversed about our interests and goals. Eventually I asked whether he was over his wife's death (it had been over a year). He announced that his home was a shrine to his departed wife and for his kids. He let me know that her clothes were still in the closet and her pictures hung on the walls. I told him that there were no pictures of my ex-husband on my walls to which he replied that my case was different because I was divorced. It was clear that he hadn't moved on. He told me that the women he had been dating on the internet site wanted to move up from their condos into a bigger home --- his. I made it clear that I had a large home, which he had seen, and wasn't interested in moving in with anyone. He stated that he was only interested in dating (even though his profile read "seeking a relationship"). Finally he said that the last woman he dated wanted to travel with him, 3-4 trips per year (his profile pic was one of him standing in front of a view of the Greek Islands). His profile read "plan to travel with my special lady." As we were leaving he asked me for sex. He caught me off guard and I rebuked "Are you kidding? It's only our first date! I need to get to know you first." He walked me to my door, kissed me, and once again asked for sex --- same answer by me. The next morning I called to ask if he had made it home alright and apparently he had, in spite of all of the wine he had drank. It was very awkward; he barely remembered my name, leaving huge gaps in the conversation. I thanked him for a nice evening and said "good bye." The usual outcome ensued. Repeated Lesson #21 - Guys on internet dating sites often misrepresent themselves in their profiles to lure women in. "A relationship" often means "causual dating". Life Lesson for the Gentleman - Don't ask for sex on a first date --- a decent woman, with her life in order, will refuse you. There are emotional and physical risks involved that require discussion (usually several dates) before trust is established enough to proceed. .